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Nice kids are mean

2/8/2015

11 Comments

 
Nice kids are mean. It’s true. I’ve seen it year after year, even with eight year olds. They are not mean all the time, of course, which is why they think it is ok to be mean. Or perhaps they do not realize how mean their actions really are. But the bottom line is that nice kids say and do things that make other kids feel bad – way too often. I have been perplexed by this phenomenon since I began my elementary teaching career over 13 years ago. I have always had such nice, bright students. In fact, I have yet to have a kid in my class that I would consider mean, especially not all the time. So, why do my nice, bright third graders treat each other so poorly sometimes?  I address this question in the children’s picture book, Diary of a Real Bully.

The lessons in this book are inspired by a decade of classroom experience. Most of the bullying I faced as a student occurred in middle school, so I was shocked to see it happen with my third graders. The most surprising part, however, was when I realized which students were doing the bullying. Some of my sweetest, smartest, and most seemingly innocent kids are often the ones that do the most harm. I see the same trends and patterns with every class. One thing these kids all have in common is that they do not see themselves as bullies. When kids think of bullying, they imagine the exaggerated characters they see on TV and in movies. But the bully stereotypes of the big, dumb, mean guy or the self-absorbed, airheaded, mean girl do not exist in real life. No one is a bully all the time, but this misconception makes it hard to understand what real bullying looks like.  Because kids do not identify themselves with their perception of bullies, they refuse to accept their actions as bully behavior.

It is important for children to understand that TV-type bullies rarely exist, and in reality, we all act like bullies sometimes. The more we recognize and name these behaviors as bullying, the less likely we are to repeat them. Instead of labeling kids as bullies, we need to identify their actions as bullying. With this slight change in language, children are more willing to accept their behavior and take responsibility for it. They begin to realize when their words are hurtful. They become more mindful of the things they say and how they say them. They are more prepared to apologize and change because they understand that their actions do not determine their identity. Kids do not want to be bullies, they are usually just blind to the negative impact their behaviors have on others. It is our job as adults to help them see it. Bullying is when you make someone feel bad, no matter how small or insignificant it seems.

Breaking the bully stereotype is just the beginning. The next step is empowering kids with the skills they need to communicate effectively. Kids need to say stop when someone is bothering them. They need to share how they feel and why they do not like the behavior. They need to ask for an apology. While it seems simple, I have watched students struggle with these steps every year until they have been taught, modeled, practiced, and applied to their real-life problems. Communication is the most powerful tool in every situation.

If we can teach children about real-life bullying early on, we will have less bullies. If we teach them the skills they need to communicate and solve problems early on, we will have fewer victims. We need common language, effective strategies, and early intervention. We need to identify the bully in all of us, then make a change. Join the conversation on Facebook or Twitter using the hashtag #nicekidsaremean.

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11 Comments
mark
2/19/2015 05:42:07 am

I have taught 3rd for most of my career and noticed that they are now more like catty 4th graders, with sly hurts, and less like ornery 2nd graders, with blurting out any emotion. I found this play about kindness as part of Chinese New Year and we are doing it for ourselves and any other classroom that wants us. The more times we do it, the more it will sink in (I hope). Maybe we should do it in the teachers' room at lunch as well! http://monthbymonth.scholastic.com/plays---poems.html

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5/30/2018 12:35:42 am

We can find the better and interesting topics about seemingly innocent kids are often the more words with us. The better students are using the classrooms and getting the technical classes and more methods.

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8/7/2018 08:28:59 pm

good.

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8/9/2018 08:44:16 am

We have all faced a bully at some point of our life. Whether it be when we were kids or even in our adult years, we have experienced being teased, mocked or hurt by these types of people. Giving kids the proper knowledge on what makes a bully and how to deal with one is important. It is not only for the purpose of keeping them safe, it is also about preventing them from becoming a bully as well. Bullies will always be present, but with the right knowledge, we can stop kids from being bullies as well as being the victim.

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shawnjasper
1/12/2021 05:06:36 am

Thanks for sharing this.

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I hope so, but don't take undermine this issue so lightly, it will require your more attention than your expectations.

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1/11/2022 05:51:07 am

We've all encountered a bully at some time in our lives. We have all been taunted, insulted, or injured by these sorts of individuals, whether we were children or adults.

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2/8/2022 03:00:22 am

At some time in our lives, we've all had to deal with a bully. We've all been taunted, insulted, or injured by these sorts of people at some point in our lives, whether we were children or adults. It is critical to provide children with the necessary understanding of what constitutes a bully and how to cope with one. It's not only about keeping children safe; it's also about protecting them from becoming a bully. Bullies will always exist, but with the appropriate information, we can prevent children from becoming bullies as well as victims.

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